Delighting In Obedience?

Is THAT even possible? To "delight in obedience"?

YES!

When the kids' father and I divorced, we "dated" for a little while afterward.  I use the word "dated" loosely. There was a part of me that wanted to put our family back together.  I wanted to provide my children with a "whole" family ... complete with Mom and Dad ... Dad and Mom.  Then something happened that scared me to death!  The kids' father and I had sex. Yes! You read that right!  We had sex outside the bonds of marriage.  The little voice inside my head kept saying "It's ok. He was your husband. Aren't you still married in the eyes of God?"  Then there was another voice. A disappointed voice ... "You AREN'T married now."

For 3 days God did not talk to me.  Want to know what Hell on Earth is like?  Folks, I can tell you!  It is not hearing God's Voice.  Not being in God's presence.  It is a black moment when God is hurt and disappointed.  I cried. I begged. I pleaded.  When God opened up to me and spoke, it was stern, "matter of fact", and to the point.  "Who provided means for you to get your car?  Who provided you means to purchase much needed clothing? Who has put a roof over your head and food on your table? Who provided you the job you have? Who has opened the flood gates of Heaven and poured out blessings on you and has showered you with true love?"

Now, to some ... that might not sound like God.  If you ever read the book of Job, you'll find a Voice just like that! God will be honest with us!  At that point, I didn't care about how He sounded like a stern Father or a jealous Lover!  I was so happy He was talking to me!

I had a problem.  How would I get out of the tangled mess I was finding myself in?  How was I going to avoid becoming the woman of "yesterday" again?

Obedience!  Complete surrender of my desires ... that desire to be in a physical relationship.  That desire for "me to fix my family".  ALL my thoughts about what a perfect family is and should be surrendered.

I delight in obeying God because I have found when God says "Don't do ?????",  He is looking out for my best interest!  I have found when God says "Go ahead, do ??????", He is looking out for my best interest!  Obeying God isn't about ALL  this list of things I have to give up, it is about trusting God knows better than me.  I have also discovered when I disobey God, I find myself in a world of crazy mess!  Sometimes its not even the story I have described.  It can be as simple as allowing the busy to take over my prayer life.  I had that happen not long ago and my reaction at the end of the day didn't reveal a woman who walks in delightful obedience to the Living God! I'm not sure who that woman was THAT day! Some kind of ugly!

Now ... what I talked about at the beginning of this post IS  a long time ago! I'm not defined by that moment. Even the other day when "the ugly" came out, I'm not defined by that moment either. However, I'm at a new place.  Food and entertainment do not define me either!!  God is calling me out to trust Him and lean on Him even more!  I will delight in obedience to God's will and desires because He IS trustworthy, IS faithful, and DOES know what is best for me.  It's time to surrender the gods in my life that keep me from experiencing the full Presence of God. When I find myself in a stressful situation and I choose whatever food is available to consume for comfort, that is me by-passing God and choosing food over Him.  When I have had a long day and I don't want to deal with what is going on at home and I choose to lose myself in several episodes on Netflix, that is me by-passing God and choosing entertainment as an escape instead of sitting at the feet of Jesus and finding rest.  God is now saying "Vivian, it's time.  It's time to take our relationship up several steps. You are able to do it! I've been with you through many other hard patterns to break and I WILL be with you now. It's time. I want to tear down the idols on the shelf of your heart."

I was only going to share part of Isaiah 55. However, the whole chapter is more fitting! If you don't have time to read the whole thing, read the the bold parts:

“Come, all you who are thirsty,
    come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
    come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
    without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
    and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
    and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
    listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
    my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
    a ruler and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,
    and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel,
    for he has endowed you with splendor.”

Seek the Lord while he may be found;
    call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake their ways
    and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
    and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever.”

I Am ... You are ..

Saw this on Facebook and had to share! I do know who should get credit, just know it's not mine. 

My Identity In Christ

Who am I? 

Vivian the abandon? Vivian the rejected? Vivian the divorcee? Vivian the heavy set lady?

NO!!!

Vivian is God's workmanship! Depending on the version of the Bible, I am God's masterpiece!

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 (NKJV)

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

Vivian, the forgiven child of God.

Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. Romans 3:24 (NLT)

Vivian, the set free child of God.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. Romans 8:1-2 (NLT)

Vivian, the accepted child of God.

I am writing to God’s church in Corinth, to you who have been called by God to be his own holy people. He made you holy by means of Christ Jesus, just as he did for all people everywhere who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours. 1 Corinthians 1:2 (NLT)

Vivian, the holy child of God.

God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. 1 Corinthians 1:30 (NLT)

Vivian, the made-new child of God.

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

Vivian, the loved child of God. AND CHOSEN by God!

Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. Ephesians 1:4 (NLT)

Vivian, the close child of God.

But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ. Ephesians 2:13 (NLT)

Vivian, the confident child of God.

Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence. Ephesians 3:12

Vivian, the victorious child of God.  

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. Romans 8:37 (NLT)

Oh there is so much more!!! These don't even touch the "tip of the iceberg" of my identity in Christ!  These are good promises for me to cling to.  These are good promises for you to cling to!  I am made for so much more than what the voices of my circumstances yell at me!  I am made to crave God! I am made to love God! I am made to serve God with all my heart, soul, and strength!  Sometime in like choices were made by others that hurt me.  Sometime in life choices were made by me that hurt me. God is like ... "Let Me redeem that hurt and use it to help another who is hurting. Let Me have it, heal it, redeem it, and use it."

You are made for more!

I'd like to share a link with you.  This lady isn't a part of the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study BUT she is the first person I read who's list started making me see me the way God sees me. Here is a direct link to Sharon Jaynes page with the list called My New Identity In Christ: 

http://sharonjaynes.com/my-new-identity-in-christ/#sthash.BhYtss8m.dpbs
  

THIS IS HARD! Denying the Crave

Right now, I really ... really want something to eat!  My stomach isn't yelling at me but my senses are ... We watched Touched By An Angel tonight.  LOVE Della Reese! Roma Downing! Anyway, when I watch television for whatever reason in the realm of pure entertainment, I eat a snack. So, tonight, I ate an apple or two. That should have did the trick, right? Nope! My tongue is use to the that popcorn stuff.  Something sweet and chocolatey. And I denied myself that craving.  I ate an apple.

You see, I'm not hungry! It's habit.  I feel full!  It's habit.  My body is use to demanding something and me responding.  I have to train myself to say "no" to its demands.

So, here I am ... blogging.  Rambling about denying this crave.  You know what? It's starting to lower ... starting to fade. I just needed to wait and do something else to take my mind off it.  Give it time to pass.

Well ... y'all may see a lot of these! LOL

Permissible But Not Beneficial

First, I'm enjoying the study on Made to Crave (M2C) byLysa TerKeurst through the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study. It is affirming another book I am working through called Lose It For Life (LIFL).

In LIFL, the writers mention once we turn 21 we are adults and can do WHATEVER we want. We can smoke cigarettes. We can have sex. We can go where we want and when we want. HOWEVER, many of these things cause problems. Just because we can doesn't mean we should. 

Let's talk about the issue with sex. Just because our parents are not hovering over us doesn't make having sexual relationships outside of marriage beneficial.  In my personal experience, many years ago, it left me feeling empty. I wanted to be loved so bad! There wasn't any security. The guy can go anytime he wanted and never hear from him again. No accountability. No responsibility. Emptiness. Rejection. Then there's the moment of complete desperation and fear no one would ever love me that I settled for someone who poured all kinds of physical attention on me. We did marry and we did divorce. That's my personal experience! It's a miracle I didn't contact a disease!! That's the other down side to sexual relationships that aren't in a sealed, committed marriage. Both men and women run a HIGH risk of getting a sexual disease. Another goes back to responsibility. What if a child is born? The "un-beneficial" could go on and on. Just because "we can" doesn't mean "we should". There are emotional, physical, and spiritual consequences to the mentality of "I'm an adult and I can do whatever I want!". Just because it is permissible doesn't make it beneficial.

Now, I'll move to food. I'm 36 years old. I work for a living. I earn my money. Why can't I eat whatever I want to eat? Oreos are delicious! Nutella on waffles are a delight! Oh ... those chocolate chocolate chip muffins from Sam's are to DIE for! Then there are the potato chips. And the cheese sauces and dips. Oh the dinners a church can throw! Along with ice cream socials!! Thanksgiving and Christmas, oh, so delicious! I'm a good girl. I'm a single mom. I give up so much for my children and for God. I do all these things so right! I quit drinking alcohol years ago because I saw the path I was on. I've never smoked. I haven't ever abused drugs. I haven't been with a man since the divorce .... since the kids' dad. Why can't I have something that taste good? Why can't I have some pleasure?

Well, here's the problem. Just because it is permissible doesn't make it beneficial. You see ... heart disease runs in my family and so does diabetes. In 2012, I lost 50 pounds on Weight Watchers Online. Life happened and I lost interest, lost my drive to want to. I gained it ALL back in 2013! I actually had a scare over the week end, thought I had gained more!! Turns out it was the swelling from being sick. Over the week end, the scale said 268. This morning (1/22/14) the scale said 261. I'm tired. I'm cranky. My mother is worried half to death I'm going to have a heart attack any day (my brother did have one at age 42). Just because I can eat whatever I want doesn't mean I should.

Food isn't evil. It's needed to nourish our bodies. There's nothing wrong with enjoying what we eat as long as it is in moderation. Food is a gift from God to us! 

As far as the comment about how much I already sacrifice for my children and God ... Truth is ... God wants what is best for me! He wants my heart to be healthy and my blood sugar to be under control. He wants me to live the days He has numbered for me to the fullest. If I don't make changes, I won't get to do that. I may not live to see my daughter get married. I may not live to see my son graduate. The benefits of changing ARE far better than the the consequences of this mentality "It's my body, I can do what I want!" Just because it is permissible doesn't make it beneficial to me ... to God ... to my two beautiful children ... to my poor mother!

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

Hebrews 12:11-13 (NIV)

Made to Crave -- Vivian's Take

Started the Proverbs Online Bible Study, Made To Crave by Lysa TerKeurst.  I hope I can join in the blog hop on this one!  I'd like to take time to write about an article by Christianity Today calling this "The Newest Gnostic Christian Diet".

First, "Made To Crave" isn't just about food.  How many of us turn to drugs, sex, porn, shopping, alcohol or other things rather than to God?  We all have a "God shaped" hole in our heart that leads us to crave Him. Instead of filling that hole with God, we fill it with other things and those things DO NOT satisfy!  Only God, the Living God, can help me in my situations, not food.

Second, I'd like to address this in the article is this quote "TerKeurst doesn't advocate going without food, but she does advocate a rigid devotion to a "healthy eating plan" (plus exercise) of the reader's choice."  Is this not what we call a "spiritual discipline" or "spiritual formation"?

Most of you know, I'm a member of the Church of the Nazarene.  I'd like to quote one of our boys on the definition of spiritual formation:

“Spiritual Formation is a process of being transformed into Christlikeness, through communal practices and participation in the “means of grace,” while giving attention to the care of self, which is demonstrated in loving others and being actively engaged in God’s redemption of all humans and creation.”

      Mark A. Maddix, 2011

Did you catch that? "Giving attention to the care of self" .... There was one section of the webcast Maddix talked about his diet and exercise routine!  There is nothing wrong with a person having a "rigid diet and exercise routine" in place to help him/her to be healthy.  Don't we encourage someone who is addicted to porn to avoid the magazine isle?  Don't we say "Don't take an alcoholic to a bar"? What's the difference? Why is the addiction to food taken so lightly?  In the book "Lose It For Life", the authors raise the question why isn't gluttony preached on? (Not a direct quote but a paraphrase.)

Food isn't bad. Food is needed for nourishment.  Food CAN NOT become the god we turn to satisfy the crave God has placed in us for Him!  It's not going to work!  What happens is we begin to worship the gift rather than the Giver.  This can be anything God has given us!  When we focus on the gift rather than the Giver, we have a problem. Know what? It's okay to address that problem.

Are there bad foods?  Yes.  Are some foods bad for some people? Well ... lets see ... Doctors put heart patients on low sodium and lower fat diets. Doctors put diabetics on no sugar or low carb diets. So, YES!

Lysa will be the first to tell you she loves the boxed brownie mix! What I encourage you to do is this: just because someone in the "Christian" realm writes a review on a book, don't take their word for it. Read it for yourself.  Don't just read it by itself.  Read the Bible, which is the source of Truth, along with the book.  Compare the book to what the Bible says.  Test it against God's Word.

Here's the jest of things .... God created each of us to crave Him.  Inside you, there is a God shaped hole.  Whatever you are trying to put in that hole to feel fulfilled, will only leaving you feeling more empty.  And this ... this is what "Made To Crave" is about!

With all this said, this is where God and me are at.  This will be the GREATEST and MOST DIFFICULT of my struggles!  It has been for 15 years.  Food is how I have handled so many traumatizing situations. It makes me feel good to have that sweet in the moment of hurt and pain.  Last year, I lost 50 pounds and I have gained it ALL back in the matter of months.  I need help!  I need God's help!  I don't care if someone's feeling get hurt if I don't try her cake or pasta dish.  This is my health.  My brother had a heart attack at age 42.  My sister is diabetic and takes blood pressure medicine.  My mother has congestive heart failure, one working artery, and is diabetic too.  This is about me needing to become healthy.  Before I can become physically healthy, I have to find out the spiritual why's.  I'm on the right track!  In the "Lose It For Life" book, I have really did some soul searching.  I'm discovering there are things I have never let God heal me on.  I thought I had but the best to tell if there is real healing is how often we think about the hurt or pain ... how often we talk about it.  God wants to redeem our story for His glory! We have to let Him! 

Resources:

Lysa TerKeurst http://lysaterkeurst.com/made-to-crave/

ChristianityToday http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/march/newest-gnostic-christian-diet.html

And the PowerPoint from the Webcast: "Living the Life Spiritual Formation Defined" 

Insights: Things I'm Learning

..... About Me! :)

Over the past several weeks, I haven't had much time to blog. Between sitting in car rider lines to pick the kids up from activities or to rush them to activities, Mom being without a car, and Bible Studies; there's not been much time to sit down and blog. THAT might be a good thing!

Bible Studies? Plural? YES! I've did one through Proverbs 31 Ministries called "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope which caused me to trip upon another book that is a mix of Bible Study and well ... weight loss but this is an on going study.  I've signed up with Mary Southerland to receive her weekly studies.  The first one was about 7 weeks called "A Balanced Life" and that led into the second one about "Holiday Blues".  Know what they all have in common?

I live for an audience of One!

Other people do not determine my identity.  Other people do not control my time, money, nor energy.  I'm not working to figure out who I am nor to please people!  I am created for God's purpose and only His purpose!  "No one else's" purpose nor agenda matters!

Circumstances do not define me!  I'm learning (key word is "learning") to separate my identity from the circumstance.  Just because I "fail" at something doesn't make me a failure.  When I have a "monster" mom moment doesn't make me a "bad" mom.

Balance and moderation are keys to health!  Not just physical health, this is a by product to spiritual health.  Prayer and Bible study is a heart who is seeking God's purpose and God's will.  Spending time at Jesus feet, learning what He desires for us brings our lives into perspective.  He doesn't have a long "to do list" for anyone of us. Is there work to be done? Yes! 

One of the books we read for our 40 days of prayer at church is Draw The Circle by Mark Batterson. I'm currently working on The Circle Maker.  One of the phrases that occurs a lot in both books is "Work like it depends on us but pray like it depends on God."  To me, this means there has to be a healthy balance of prayer and work together.  Be careful NOT to jump ahead of God and do things out of His timing, but work releasing we are powerless without Him at our side!

You've heard the old saying "God helps those who helps themselves"? Well, there is spiritual logic to this statement.  For an example.  Let's say you need a job, or want to change jobs.  You pray "LORD, I need a job! Please open up opportunities to me. Lead me to the one You want me to have."  BUT you never put in a job application.  Don't you think it's going to be a little hard for potential employers to contact you?

Now ... there is also some not so good theology in that statement. Because, God helps many a people who aren't capable of helping themselves.  I'm learning though how "Work like it depends on us but pray like it depends on God" AND "God helps those who help themselves" are two phrases that mean the same.  As maturing believers, we have to be open to the idea that maybe we are the answer to our prayer and possibly the answer to another person's prayer.  We are in a living partnership with Jesus Christ, a beautiful marriage.  There are choices to be made, work that needs to be done by us for Him but NOT without Him!  We won't know what our task is until we spend quality time with Him getting to know what His Voice sounds like.

Things To Do To Stay Young

This list was in a Bible Study but the author of the study didn't take credit for writing the list. So, neither will I! LOL

Things To Do To Stay Young

1. Throw out non-essential numbers such as your age, weight, and height.

2. Keep only cheerful friends close. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably family members to fill that need.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let the brain stay in neutral gear.

4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young - that is all you can afford. When they are in college - that is all you can afford. When they are grown, and you are living on retirement, that is all you can afford.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person that is with us our entire life is ourselves.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies or whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country - but not guilt.

10. Tell the people you love how much you love them every chance you get. Never assume they know.

11. Don't worry about things you cannot change or do anything about. Accept them and move on.

12. Read more and dust less.

13. Spend more time with your family and friends and less time working.

14. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. Recognize these moments now, and cherish them.

15. Do not "save" anything. Use your good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the next blossom of flowers you see.

16. Wear your best outfit to the market.

17. Don't save your good perfume for only special occasions. Use it even if you are going shopping or just to the bank.

18. "Someday" and "one of these days" should vanish from your vocabulary. If something is worth seeing, hearing or doing, go and see, hear or do it now.

A Pit

I think I'm struggling with depression ... I don't know. Something feels off ... Thats all I know.

The Craziest 3 Weeks!

I have been "on the run" the craziest! 

I enjoy blogging and sharing what I'm learning. However, it's the lowest priority right now.  I don't remember being THIS busy when I was in middle and high school. Oh ... probably because I WASN'T! LOL 

My daughter is in the drama club; she had a play not long ago.  My son had a Taekwondo tournament and testing.  Now, the musical audition has started and those practices will begin soon! Jazz Band is meeting after school ... it is run, run, run! ARGH!

I enjoyed Mary Southerland's "A Balanced Life".  What I have learned is ... I can redeem the time I spend in car rider lines. Those can become my quiet moments in Bible Study.  Then there is the "carve time out" for God. It's not going to be natural, not going to feel natural.  It is a choice and takes deliberate action.  I'm now working on her "Holiday Blues" study.  It really continues where "A Balanced Life" leaves off. 

The part I really enjoyed about Week 1's study is Mary tells the story of taking all the Christmas decorations down.  Her husband comes home and asked what she done that day. She said she did her list of things in the most pathetic voice she could muster and ended her list with her back hurting.  He pretty much tells her she doesn't have a back "problem" but a head "problem" and she had him explain that!  What it boiled down to is priorities.  She been in a car accident, they were keeping the grandkids, this thing was going on and that thing was going on "why put out so many Christmas decorations?"  "why feel the need to 'not wait' for help in taking them down?"

I CAN  relate to her husband here!  I feel like Christ gets left out in our home each Christmas because of the decorations and the cooking.  I'm going to shoot strait.  My mother is a "gotta have Christmas lights from one end of the trailer to the other end" each year kind of lady.  Each Christmas Day she "has to cook both a ham and a turkey because not everyone likes one or the other".  As the day comes to end what I hear is "I had ALL this dinner to cook by myself .... I had no help in the kitchen" and this is after she has run us out of the kitchen because it is too small for her and us to be in there!  Then after Christmas Day, the weather is never in favor of us taking down the Christmas lights right away and she wants them "now" and well .... Here's my thinking.  If ALL this is so much trouble, why do it?  If it becomes "all about my sacrifice", why do it at all?  It's not about "my sacrifice"!  Nope!  It's about God's sacrifice!  Even though Jesus may not have been born in the Winter, we celebrate His birth.  That IS the beginning of God's sacrifice!  He SENT His Son to us! 

Now, let us shift to churches.  Churches are the worst!  LOL  We try to cram all kinds of programs into one month!  Adult cantatas.  Children's plays and songs.  Parties.  This practice and this schedule.  Then we wonder why we collapse on Christmas Day exhausted.  There are 11 months out of the year to program! Why do we try to cram it all into one?  Instead of trying to fit both adults and kids into the month ... give me the kids for Christmas, their antics bring comic relief to a stressful season! I love seeing the little ones step up to a microphone all confident in their parts and then ... then that look of shyness comes across their face ... that little grin shines and they lower their little heads a bit.  Either the mom or the children's worker whispers them the part. Just precious!  I always got a kick out of watching my son! Not because he's mine BUT because of how he gets into a song!  He can't stand still!  And when that song is down in his heart, he sings out and his whole face opens wide as his mouth!  He's going from foot to foot, throwing his head back to sing it! LOL  I've seen other kids who do that as well!!  Let the kids have Christmas and give the adults Easter. LOL

Where I'm going with any this is ... If the decorating, programming, and cooking is causing anyone to say "look at what 'I' am doing and how 'I' feel" then Christ has been left out of Christmas.  Whether that be home, church, work, or where ever we go.

Whether we spell Christmas as in "Christmas" or "Xmas", the only time we "x" out Christ is when we use the letter "I".

Day 5 of Thankfulness

Nope. You won't find Days 1 through 4. I'm not going to keep up as much on the blog as I will on Facebook. This morning I saw a beautiful sunrise ... yesterday morning I saw a beautiful sunrise ... 

One of my favorite songs is called "By Faith". The first couple of lines go like this: By faith we can see the hand of God, in the light of creation's grand design. THAT came to my mind today as I saw the sun's rays on the clouds! The oranges, pinks, and purples! They were those deep Autumn colors, not the pastels. They were the colder shades of those colors. They were painted in such a way that my eyes didn't want to stop looking. Humbled. 

I thought to myself "How can anyone look at that and not see God's hand?" Only God can paint such art in the sky! 

So, this 5th day of November, I am thankful for Cloudy Autumn Sunrises! They remind Who holds the paint brush!

#MovingForward

When I started into A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, I wasn't to sure this was the right Study for me because it is so similar to "I'm Not Good Enough" and Other Lies Women Tell Themselves by Sharon Jaynes. Let me tell you something ... Are they similar? YES! Are they the exact same? NO! The beautiful thing about the Holy Spirit is He inspires each of us differently based on our experiences.  Chapter 4 in A Confident Heart, really helped me get down to a real "heart" issue.

Several years ago, I did something very STUPID! The enemy had me right where he wanted me, in the dark.  In the dark about how God views me. In the dark about the people in my life who love me how they view me.  I had experienced A LOT of rejection in my life.  I will give the cliff note version.

I learned as a child that my dad wasn't my biological father.  However, when he and mom divorced, it was a bitter, nasty divorce.  Of course paternity test were done that showed I wasn't his daughter, my mom in her pain, wouldn't allow him to be in my life (probably a good thing because he had issues that came out later on).  I never met my biological father.  When I went to college, I wrote a letter ... "Hey, I'm your daughter ..." got a letter back "You are mistaken, I don't have any children" of course I had the DNA test that proved 99.9% he is (was) my biological father.  One time I sent him a photo of his grandchildren without my return address because I knew I couldn't handle him rejecting my children.  I had one boyfriend after another looking for "love", "acceptance", and "security".  Each one just used me up and moved on.  My marriage was the same way!  When the divorce happened, I was glad to be getting a divorce.  However, the years of being rejected by my husband left me pretty scarred up.

A couple of years after the divorce, I did a really STUPID thing!  I actually scared myself!  Once God got a hold of me and shook me up a little, seriously, I was in a downward spiral ... Once He got me to take a good look at what I was doing, I threw away the webcam! (That's all the detail you are getting! LOL)  I know God forgave me!!  It is covered under the blood! However, I have lived in fear of my children finding out.  What would they think of me? Would they hate me? Call me a hypocrite? Would they never speak to me again?  I've been more afraid "What if they go into politics? Those mudslingers dig up every piece of dirt possible on each family member?"  I'd die! Not because of what people would think of me but only because of it hurting my kids and embarrass them.  God had forgiven me but I hadn't forgiven myself.  I was ashamed.  I was angry that I had done such a STUPID thing. I was even more angry because I knew I had rebelled on purpose against what is pleasing to God! I was afraid. Afraid of the future.  So, Monday morning, I cried all the way to work! I laid it out! Know what? God was like "Just tell your kids. Talk them just like you talk to Me and tell them before they learn it from someone else. It's no big deal. Once it is no longer a secret, the enemy can't hold you captive. I know about it and still love you! Matter of fact, I only remember it because YOU haven't let go of it."

Do you know how free I feel?!?!?! I haven't spoken with the kids yet but I do plan on it when there is a time where it is just me and them.  Maybe  ... maybe my story will keep them from doing the same STUPID thing!  I'm serious when I put that in caps! I've made a lot of bad choices in my life but that one time (not once but "one" meaning that area in my time line) in my dark place has to be the most STUPID thing. 

I'm now free to move forward!  The funny thing is I'm also reading and working through Loose It For Life by Stephen Arterburn, M. ED. and Dr Linda Mintle. The first chapter or first week goes right along with A Confident Heart! Talks about loosing weight on the spiritual level.  Basic summary is before working on the surface (the physical weight) gotta work on the spiritual weight.  I don't know if I'll loose physical weight or not BUT I have lost a heavy spiritual load this week!

If you are a man or woman who is struggling with hurt, shame, fear, guilt, anxiety over something done to you OR something done by you; God loves you! You don't have to clean up your act to win His love. You don't have to clean up your act to win His forgiveness. His redeeming love is FREE! All you have to do is take it! He'll do the rest!

Behind!

I'm behind in blogging about the Personal Journey! 

God is talking to me through several means!  Mostly books and studies that back each other up!  Here's what I'm reading:

Draw the Circle The 40 Day Prayer Challenge by Mark Batterson  which sent me to find ...
The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson (the other didn't tell me to find it I just HAD to learn about who this Circle Maker is ..)
A Confident Heart by Renee Swope (thru Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study which is TOTALLY awesome!)
A Balanced Life a Bible Study by Mary Southerland (receive in my Email once a week!)

Maybe the reason I'm behind is because the stuff I'm reading is sinking in!  I mean, I need the time to process it and apply it before I can share it. 

I know I need a vacation.  Vacations is an important part of spiritual growth!  Rest is good!  Having fun is good!  So few of us actually do these two things.  I have to admit, I hate vacations that are jammed packed with things to do.  There's no rest in that!  I'm longing for the hills and mountains though!  When I look at certain things, they are far away :(  I don't want to go to far because of my mother's health. 

So, if you are passing by ... say a prayer God will show me where to take me and the kids to for a quick get away ...

Unfailing Love

You, O LORD, have been my Shield!
There are times when You have protected me from my own stupidity!
You have guarded me around every turn,
And guided me in the direction You desire me to go.
Even when I chose a path that made You sad,
Your Spirit gently brought me back to Your path!

At my low point,
You blessed me with Your Presence!
When I chose to do something shameful,
You loved me anyway!
I broke Your heart into
But You spared me the agony and didn't hold it against me!
You asked me "Why?"
But You know the answer ...
You knew I needed to be wanted, loved, and desired!

You are my Lover!
You poured out every ounce of Yourself
To draw me to You!
You have shared parts of Your mysteries
So I'd trust You with my heart.
You spoke to me with such tenderness
That I couldn't no longer avoid yielding to Your
   Kind affection.

You never gave up on me!

Jesus ... You are Unfailing Love!

Kristian

In Need of a Vacation

My pastor is always saying vacations are needed. He's right!

Vacations are needed to ...

Refresh the body.

Refresh the mind.

Refresh the soul.

I'm in TERRIBLE need of this refreshment! So are my kids. The biggest issue is money. So, I'm circling this in prayer! It is my prayer we'll be able to go somewhere soon. 

Sometimes a stay-cation is good. Not for me. When I'm at home, there's work to be done. There's this to be done and that to be done. I'm in need of a TRUE rest! To be off from work without feeling guilty about sitting around doing absolutely nothing. And I need a change of scenery.  A place that inspire me and renew me.  A place to get alone with God ...

Know where I'd LOVE to go? The mountains! I'd love to go to the mountains. Right here at Fall with all the leaves changing colors ... Where the lakes reflect the Autumn colored sky!

Mind Battle

My weakness is always my head! The truth that the enemy twist. Here is what is going on today that I'm battling.

My church is doing VIP visits. Vision Information Prayer (I think "I" stands for information maybe it's informing).  Everyone in church is suppose to get a visit including the teams doing the visits. Wednesday I learn the team who has my mother can't come visit. I understand why. Older ladies. Health issues. Sight issues. However, they also have my name! DUH! Mom and I live together! I also know these ladies travel anywhere else they want to go. If they really WANT to go somewhere they hop in their cars and go.

I was told "Maybe they think they'll catch you at church ..."

Uh ... No! Church IS the WORST place to catch me! I'm way to busy AT church to sit down and "talk" PLUS I enjoy going home. I like to get home and stay home.

So here's what Im battling this morning:

"If it is to far for them to drive to your home and visit you, isn't it too far for you to drive to church?"

You see, there is some truth to this! It's NOT the whole truth. This is where the enemy knows I'm the weakest. Feeling connected, like I matter to someone. The ole devil has taken aim right at the mind's processor. 

The reason I'm sharing is because when we share our struggle we bring it into the light and that robs the enemy of his small victories. As long as we are alone in our struggle, he thinks he has us where he wants us. Once we info others "hey, pray! I'm fighting _____", we bring others in on the fight! Strength in numbers! 

Pray for me! One more request ... How can I pray for you? What are you struggling with today? What seems to be a reoccurring struggle? If you don't feel comfortable posting public, shoot me an Email to nuttin2pursonal@yahoo.com 

#PerfectLove

What is "perfect love"? Simple!  Loving and giving love without conditions!  That is God's love, pure and true.  God loves us even when we are in rebellion against Him!  His Holy Spirit moves, drawing us to desire to be in a relationship with Him even while  we spit in His face!  THAT is LOVE!

My story of God's perfect love happened in a stairwell when I was about 20 years old.  I was living with my boyfriend.  I had been raised in church, had accepted Christ as a child, and left Him when I left home for college in Louisville.  I was working in Nashville.  Yes, those two cities are far apart!  I had wondered far from God's will and plan!  Anyway, I recognized the Voice.  That still, non-accusing Voice ... "Come home"  "I'm here"  "This isn't what I planned for you" "Vivian, I love you!"

One day, The Spirit was more than I could bare!  I think I knew the "man" I was living with didn't really love me.  I also think that there was a part of me who knew he'd never fill the desire of perfect love that I was so long to experience.  I was lost!  I was broken searching for something I didn't understand because I had never really experienced "perfect love".  I went into one of the rarely used stairwells and cried.  I cried out to Jesus and He heard my heart's scream!

The road has been rough and long.  When I look back, my only regret is I didn't have a stairwell moment sooner!  I can see how God was working in my favor to bring me to the stairwell moment.  I can also see where I would have had a stairwell moment sooner BUT it was my own stubborn choices that dodged Him.  He didn't give up! 

Have I always obeyed Him since that moment?  No.  He had to teach me and train me He IS TRUSTWORTHY!  There are things I'm ashamed of doing BUT those are ALL covered by His perfect love and He will NOT hold them against me! Thank You, Jesus! 

(Blog for the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study blog hop)

Much to THINK On!

I've been silent for a few days :) I have a lot to THINK on! 

You know ... I don't know why I didn't dive into God's Word sooner! I don't know why I didn't desire to learn to pray "continuously" sooner! As I read Mark Batterson's Draw the Circle 40 Day Prayer Challenge with my home church family, as I read Mary Southerland's "A Balanced Life" study, and work on Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study A Confident Heart by Renee Swope ... I'm realizing I don't have time for TV! LOL I don't have time for the things I use to do. Those were the things that robbed my time from God!

Know what the funny thing is? ALL 3 affirm each other! God never ceases to amaze me like that!! I love how His Holy Spirit moves His people to write, sing, preach on things that are similar. Here's the thing, they do it at different times BUT He then lands ALL this material in my lap when He wants to tell me something! That just BLOWS my mind!

I posted this on Facebook and its a good example of what I'm referring to:

"So many times we go through the motions, doing the same things over and over again, hoping something will change. Few of us realize that this repetition is the definition of insanity.” #AConfidentHeart #PerfectLove

"If you want God to do something new, you cannot keep doing the same old thing."#drawthecircle #day29

Be Still Before the Lord

I was listening to "Word of God Speak" on my drive home last night. I love this song! I've listened to it a hundred times over the past several years.  When God is speaking to me and my heart is open to hearing Him, even the lyrics in a song I've heard many times will stand out.  In the chorus, this line made my heart's ears prick and heard them for the first time!

To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness

Then the 2nd verse ...

All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

Yesterday, I finished reading Week 3 Day 4 "A Balanced Life".  Through out the whole lesson, Southerland is using the story of Mary and Martha.  Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus.   Mary listening to Jesus speak.  It never has dawned on me until this lesson Mary wasn't talking!  Mary wasn't "praying" a list of request. She was simply sitting and listening!

Southerland writes "Every minute of every day is either wasted or invested ... the Bible contains over 400 verses about time, we can safely assume that time management is important to God ... One of the most valuable investments we can make is to spend time in solitude."  Prayer is communication.  It's a conversation,  When in a conversation, in order to hear the other person we have to shut our mouths and give that person time to talk. Right?  Same with God!  We need to shut off the TV, shut off the computer, shut off the iPhone, shut off the radio, shut off ALL noise. We need to shut our mouths too ... AND LISTEN! Sit at the feet of Jesus and listen!

Southerland encourages the memorizing of Psalm 37: "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him."  And then ask these questions which I'll answer for me:

• Why am I afraid of silence?  For me, I'm not afraid of silence!  I actually enjoy silence.  I long for it!
• What is the greatest obstacle to solitude in my life?  Now, this one is easy! Since I enjoy solitude, for more me its more about getting the chance to have it.  One of the biggest obstacles is scrutiny by my mother.  Mom is a "Martha" 100x's over!  I can be out on the back porch, Mom will come out.  There's always "work" to do.  A lot of the "work to do" is created work.  There's always "something" that needs to be done .  She does enjoy watching TV in the evenings, but at this time of year (Autumn) by the time she does that the light is gone from the porch.  I'd love if we had a "comfy" chair in our room so I could go in there and sit.  There's not enough room.  Pretty much, the greatest obstacle is  ... I don't have my own personal space at home.
• What steps do I have to take in order to remove these obstacles? Short of going in debt and building my own bedroom ... There really isn't anything about the personal space issue.  Now, there is the possibility of not coming home from work, going somewhere quiet first! However, have you ever been to Starbuck's? of Any Coffee House? Those places are ALL noise! Kill the music please ... There is the library! The one close to home is almost finished being remodeled and  it's going to be bigger! Libraries are quiet ...
• What do I hope to gain from time spent in solitude? To hear Jesus' speaking to me!  To know Him more and more.  I want hear what He has to say.  Yes, I still want to talk to Him about the joys and woes of life but I want to hear what He has to say on those same things!

I so desire to "be still before the Lord".  You know, I think when we hear the word "meditate" we start thinking in a negative sense.  But really, meditate is sitting, thinking about scripture, and being open hearted and open minded to what God is saying through scripture ... to stop talking long enough to hear what He has to say!

Oh, one more thing .... I spend a lot of time doing things with the kids and the church.  I think God is making me aware that I need to be careful.  Be careful that I don't become so wrapped up that I forget to spend time with Him!  I must know His Voice well enough to be catching these messages from Him.  When we live wrapped up in His Presence, we live in constant communication with Him.  Every where we go, we can see how God is revealing Himself to us.  I think "Lord of my Choices" and "Lord of my Time" is this ... Choices over food, He ain't Lord of and wants to be BUT He can see what I can't about Time.  If I'm not careful, I can fall into a "busy for Jesus" trap!  He's pointing it out to me to be watchful!